Brokenhearted

Delight yourself in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

—Psalm 37:4

It feels like I must not be delighting myself in the Lord enough, because my whole life he has denied me the desires of my heart.

I hate how melodramatic this seems (is?), but I’m in a tough place right now. My journey into adulthood started two decades ago with me denying my burgeoning sexuality, then trying to convert it through reparative therapy, then more years of denial. For the past half-dozen years or so, I’ve slowly trod the bumpy road to acceptance, and the past couple have felt like the “delayed” or “second” adolescence queer people often talk about.

But just when I feel most content with God, he allows some impossibly attractive man into my life who woos me, makes me feel special, tells me I’m his “best friend,” flies to my city to visit me, spends the weekend cuddling with me, admits he has romantic feelings for me… I start to feel hope in an entirely new and entirely unexpected way.

But then this potential life partner decides that romance is off-limits for him. And that all his loving words and beautiful actions were motivated by that off-limits romance, so they were never true to begin with.

I don’t know how many more times I can be led on. I don’t know how many more times I can be lied to. I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can endure.

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9 Comments

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  1. I do not even know what to say. Your pain runs deep and you are worthy of so much more. I wish I knew how to help. My prayers are with you, brother. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aaron…Wow! I am so sorry to hear. Interestingly, I am on the same boat. Currently going through the emotions and its horrible! Upon reading your post I said, “That’s ME!” Bro, I am so sorry! This isn’t easy. You think: I finally met someone!! Only to be let down and heartbroken… I am so sorry!

    Given that you are most likely feeling as I am, I know how to pray for you, but as I type this I’m thinking: “Lord, prayer is all I can give but its just not enough! He needs a physical presence; a physical support system (person).” I wish I could say something, but words just can’t and will not suffice… sighs My heart goes out to you. HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The devil comes like an angel of light. He woos people to his side, he doesn’t torture them to it. This looks a temptation that came to throw you off your contentment with God. He was a lot of things you wanted but was he what you needed? Did he desire God above everything?

    Someone can fulfill 99% of your requirements, if the 1% that’s lack is his love for and devotion to God it is like building a house on sand. It was never for you. Guard you heart, someone who God wants for you will ONLY draw you closer to God. They will put boundaries and insure they don’t wake love before its time. All because they fear God.

    Remember to Trust God, commit your ways to Him, then He will give you the desires of your heart according to His Will.

    Like

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