Delight yourself in the LORD,and he will give you the desires of your heart.
It feels like I must not be delighting myself in the Lord enough, because my whole life he has denied me the desires of my heart.
I hate how melodramatic this seems (is?), but I’m in a tough place right now. My journey into adulthood started two decades ago with me denying my burgeoning sexuality, then trying to convert it through reparative therapy, then more years of denial. For the past half-dozen years or so, I’ve slowly trod the bumpy road to acceptance, and the past couple have felt like the “delayed” or “second” adolescence queer people often talk about.
But just when I feel most content with God, he allows some impossibly attractive man into my life who woos me, makes me feel special, tells me I’m his “best friend,” flies to my city to visit me, spends the weekend cuddling with me, admits he has romantic feelings for me… I start to feel hope in an entirely new and entirely unexpected way.
But then this potential life partner decides that romance is off-limits for him. And that all his loving words and beautiful actions were motivated by that off-limits romance, so they were never true to begin with.
I don’t know how many more times I can be led on. I don’t know how many more times I can be lied to. I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can endure.